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When a man tells you he was abused

How to listen and respond when a man tells you he was abused, what to avoid saying, and how to help him take next steps.

Family and friends5 min readReviewed

On this page
  1. Why it is so hard for men to speak up
  2. How to respond when he tells you
  3. What not to say
  4. Myths and facts
  5. Helping him with next steps
  6. Looking after yourself
  7. Getting support

If a man has told you that he was abused, attacked or sexually assaulted, he has trusted you with something that may have taken him a long time to say. How you respond can make a real difference to whether he gets help and how he feels about himself.

You don't need to be an expert. You need to listen, believe him and help him feel less alone. This guide explains how.

Why it is so hard for men to speak up

Men face particular barriers to telling anyone about abuse. He may fear that:

  • he won't be believed, or will be laughed at
  • people will think he is weak or "less of a man"
  • if the abuser was a woman, people will say it can't have happened
  • if the abuser was a man, people will question his sexuality
  • speaking up will make things worse at home, at work or with his children
  • he will lose control over what happens next

Men can be victims of every form of abuse, including physical, sexual, emotional and financial abuse, and the law protects them equally. The abuser can be a partner, a family member, a friend, a colleague or a stranger, and can be a woman or a man.

How to respond when he tells you

  1. Listen without interrupting. Let him tell it his way and at his own pace. Silence is okay.
  2. Believe him. Say it clearly: "I believe you." This may be the most important thing you say.
  3. Make it clear it is not his fault. The person who abused him is responsible, whatever the circumstances.
  4. Thank him for telling you. "Thank you for trusting me with this" shows him that speaking up was the right thing to do.
  5. Stay calm. If you show shock, anger or disgust, he may stop talking or worry about upsetting you.
  6. Ask what he needs. "What would help right now?" lets him stay in control.
  7. Keep it private. Don't share his story without his permission, unless someone's safety is at risk.

What not to say

Some responses, even when well meant, can leave a man feeling blamed or dismissed. Try to avoid:

  • "Why didn't you fight back?" or "Why didn't you just leave?"
  • "But you're bigger than her."
  • "Are you sure that's what happened?"
  • "Just forget about it and move on."
  • "You have to report this right now."
  • jokes, even to lighten the mood

If something comes out wrong, you can go back and say, "I didn't handle that well. I'm here and I believe you."

Myths and facts

Myth: A man can't be abused by a woman.

Fact: Women can be abusive, physically, sexually and emotionally. A man's size or strength does not protect him, and he may hold back from defending himself for fear of being blamed.

Myth: If his body responded during a sexual assault, he must have wanted it.

Fact: The body can react to touch automatically. A physical response is not consent, and it does not make the assault any less real.

Myth: Men are not really harmed by abuse.

Fact: Abuse can seriously harm a man's mental and physical health, his relationships and his work, as it can for anyone.

Helping him with next steps

Let him decide what to do. Your role is to support his choices, not to make them for him. Depending on what happened, you could help him:

Practical help counts too: a lift to the clinic or police station, company while he makes a phone call, or a place to stay for a night.

If a child is at risk, or he may harm himself, you may need to act even if he would rather you didn't. Tell him what you are going to do and why.

Looking after yourself

Hearing about abuse can be upsetting, especially if you care about him or have your own experiences. It is okay to feel angry, sad or helpless. Talk to someone you trust without sharing details that would identify him, or call a helpline for your own support.

Getting support

  • GBV Command Centre: 0800 428 428 (all genders, 24/7)
  • Lifeline South Africa: 0861 322 322 (24/7)
  • SADAG Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0800 567 567 (free, 24/7)
  • Emergency: 10111, or 112 from a cell phone

He can tick that he would like support when he makes a report, and either of you can contact the Men for Change support team. More helplines are on our resources page.

This guide is general information, not legal or medical advice. Laws and procedures change and every situation is different, so speak to a qualified professional, such as Legal Aid South Africa, about yours.

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