When your partner is abusing you

Realising that your partner is abusing you can bring up shame, confusion and fear of not being believed. You may still love your partner and want the abuse to stop rather than the relationship to end. Whatever you decide, you deserve to be safe.

The law protects men from domestic abuse in exactly the same way it protects women. The Domestic Violence Act 116 of 1998 applies to everyone in a domestic relationship, including married couples, people who live together, people who are dating, and people who have a child together.

You are not to blame

People who abuse often blame the person they are hurting. You may hear "You made me do it" or "If you didn't make me angry, this wouldn't happen." Nothing you do makes abuse acceptable.

Stress, alcohol, money problems or a difficult childhood may help explain why someone behaves badly. They do not excuse it. Your partner is responsible for their own actions.

Staying safe in the moment

1. Leave if things are getting worse. Walk away to a safe place, even for a few hours. Go to a friend, a relative or somewhere with other people around.
2. Try not to hit back. The law allows reasonable self-defence, but fighting back can put you in more danger and can make it harder to show who was being abused. Getting away is usually safer.
3. Stay out of risky rooms. If an argument starts, avoid the kitchen, garage or any room with possible weapons, or with no way out.
4. Call for help. Call 10111, or 112 from a cell phone. You can also ask a neighbour you trust to call the police if they hear violence.

Our guide on making a safety plan helps you prepare in advance.

Keep a record

A record of what is happening can protect you later. Keep:

• a diary of each incident, with the date, time, what happened and who saw it;
• photos of injuries and of any damage to your belongings or home;
• messages, voice notes, emails and social media posts;
• medical records, telling the doctor or nurse exactly how you were hurt.

Store your records somewhere your partner can't reach them, such as an email account with a new password, or with someone you trust.

Some abusive partners threaten to accuse the person they are hurting of abuse. A clear, honest record of what really happened can help protect you if that happens.

Your legal options

You have more than one option, and you can use more than one at the same time.

• A protection order. You can apply at the Magistrate's Court for a protection order under the Domestic Violence Act. The court can first grant an interim order without your partner being present, and then set a later date when both of you can be heard. An order can forbid your partner from abusing you or contacting you, and in some cases from entering a shared home. The clerk of the court can help you with the forms. See applying for a protection order.
• A criminal case. Assault, threats, damage to property and sexual violence are crimes. You can open a case at any police station. See opening a case.
• Help from the police. The police have a duty to help victims of domestic violence, including helping you get medical care and find a safe place to go.

If the police refuse to help, laugh at you, or tell you to "sort it out at home", read if the police won't help you.

If you have children

Children are harmed by seeing or hearing abuse, even if they are never touched. Their safety matters as much as yours.

• A protection order can include conditions about contact with children where this is needed to keep them safe.
• If you plan to leave, get advice about the children before you go, or as soon as you can after. Under the Children's Act 38 of 2005, both parents usually have rights and responsibilities, and the court or the Office of the Family Advocate may become involved.
• Don't leave children with someone who is a danger to them.
• Older children can call Childline South Africa on 116 to talk to someone.

Our guide on fathers' rights and responsibilities explains more.

Looking after yourself

Living with abuse wears you down. You may feel anxious, ashamed, numb or angry. You may drink more, sleep badly or cut yourself off from people.

Talk to someone you trust. A counsellor can help you think clearly about your options, and our guide on finding a counsellor explains how to find one. If you ever think about ending your life, call the SADAG Suicide Crisis Helpline on 0800 567 567 straight away.

Getting support

• In an emergency, call 10111, or 112 from a cell phone.
• The GBV Command Centre on 0800 428 428 helps people of all genders, 24 hours a day.
• For advice about protection orders and your legal options, call the Legal Aid South Africa Advice Line on 0800 110 110.
• If you are struggling to cope, call Lifeline South Africa on 0861 322 322, or the SADAG Suicide Crisis Helpline on 0800 567 567.
• You can report what is happening anonymously at /report. It takes about five minutes and needs no name or account. Tick the support box if you would like someone to contact you.
• To reach the Men for Change support team, go to /contact?topic=support.
• More helplines are listed at /resources.