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Signs you are in an abusive relationship

How to recognise physical, emotional, sexual and financial abuse from a partner, and why it counts as abuse when it happens to a man.

Domestic abuse against men5 min readReviewed

On this page
  1. Physical abuse
  2. Emotional and verbal abuse
  3. Controlling behaviour
  4. Sexual abuse
  5. Questions to ask yourself
  6. Myths and facts
  7. Getting support

Many men in abusive relationships don't call it abuse. They call it "a bad temper", "jealousy" or "just how she is". Because men are taught to cope and keep quiet, it can take a long time to admit that something is seriously wrong.

Abuse is a pattern of behaviour that one person uses to hurt, frighten or control another. It can happen whether you are married or not, living together or not, and whether your partner is a woman or a man. It is not about who is bigger or stronger. It is about one person using fear or control to get their way.

If you are in danger right now: call SAPS on 10111, or 112 from a cell phone.

Physical abuse

Physical abuse is any use of force against you. It includes your partner:

  • hitting, slapping, kicking, scratching, biting or pushing you;
  • throwing things at you, or threatening you with a weapon;
  • blocking you from leaving a room or the house;
  • attacking you while you are asleep or not expecting it;
  • damaging your belongings, or hurting your pets.

Some men say, "She's smaller than me, she can't really hurt me." But being hit is abuse whatever the size of the person doing it. Many men also hold back from defending themselves because they fear they will be the one who gets blamed.

Emotional and verbal abuse

This kind of abuse leaves no marks, but it can do deep harm over time. It includes:

  • insulting, mocking or humiliating you, including in front of other people or your children;
  • calling you weak, useless or "not a real man";
  • criticising you constantly, and blaming you for everything that goes wrong;
  • threatening to hurt you, the children, or themselves;
  • threatening to report you to the police for things you didn't do, or to stop you seeing your children;
  • giving you the silent treatment as punishment;
  • denying things that happened until you doubt your own memory.

Controlling behaviour

Control is often at the centre of abuse. Signs include your partner:

  • checking your phone, messages or location, or demanding your passwords;
  • deciding who you may see, and cutting you off from friends and family;
  • accusing you of cheating all the time, without reason;
  • making rules about where you go and how long you take;
  • taking control of your money, or stopping you from working.

Our guide on coercive control and financial abuse looks at this in more depth.

Sexual abuse

Sexual abuse includes being forced, pressured, tricked or threatened into sex or sexual acts you don't want. It also includes sexual contact when you are asleep, or too drunk or drugged to agree.

Being married or in a relationship is not consent. The law is clear on this. Saying no to your partner is your right, and so is saying no to particular acts. If you have been sexually assaulted, see what to do after a sexual assault.

Questions to ask yourself

Think about these honestly:

  • Do you feel afraid of how your partner will react?
  • Do you watch every word to keep the peace?
  • Have you stopped seeing friends or family because of your partner?
  • Do you feel you can never do anything right?
  • Do you make excuses to others for your partner's behaviour, or for your injuries?
  • Has your partner threatened you, or used the children against you?

If you answered yes to several of these, you may be in an abusive relationship. Trust what you are feeling. Every relationship has arguments, but in a healthy one you don't live in fear, and both people can disagree without being punished for it.

Myths and facts

Myth: Men can't be victims of domestic violence.

Fact: Men can be abused by female or male partners. The Domestic Violence Act 116 of 1998 protects everyone in a domestic relationship, whatever their gender.

Myth: If it isn't physical, it isn't abuse.

Fact: The Domestic Violence Act covers emotional, verbal, psychological and economic abuse, as well as intimidation and harassment, not only physical violence.

Myth: A real man would just leave.

Fact: Leaving can be hard for many reasons, including children, money, a shared home, fear and love. Staying does not make you weak, and you can still get help while you decide what to do.

Getting support

If you recognise your relationship in this guide, you don't have to work out the next step alone. Our guides on when your partner is abusing you and making a safety plan can help.

  • In an emergency, call 10111, or 112 from a cell phone.
  • The GBV Command Centre on 0800 428 428 helps people of all genders, 24 hours a day.
  • If you are feeling low or overwhelmed, call Lifeline South Africa on 0861 322 322.
  • You can report what is happening anonymously at /report. It needs no name or account, and you can tick a box to ask for support.
  • To reach the Men for Change support team, go to /contact?topic=support.
  • More helplines are listed at /resources.

This guide is general information, not legal or medical advice. Laws and procedures change and every situation is different, so speak to a qualified professional, such as Legal Aid South Africa, about yours.

Related guides

  • When your partner is abusing you

    What you can do if your partner is abusing you, from staying safe and keeping records to getting a protection order and support.

  • Coercive control and financial abuse

    How to recognise when a partner controls your life, money or freedom, why the law treats it as abuse, and steps to take back control.

  • Making a safety plan

    How to plan ahead so you can stay safer at home, leave quickly if you need to, and protect yourself after leaving an abusive partner or relative.