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Coercive control and financial abuse

How to recognise when a partner controls your life, money or freedom, why the law treats it as abuse, and steps to take back control.

Domestic abuse against men5 min readReviewed

On this page
  1. What coercive control looks like
  2. What financial abuse looks like
  3. What the law says
  4. Steps to take back control
  5. If you are threatened with false accusations
  6. Myths and facts
  7. Getting support

Not all abuse leaves marks. Some partners control every part of your life: who you see, where you go, what you spend, even how you see yourself. Each thing on its own can seem small. Together, they can leave you feeling trapped, worn down and unsure of your own judgement.

This pattern is often called coercive control, and financial abuse is one of its most common forms. Men can be slow to recognise it, because a partner who manages the money or gets jealous can look normal from the outside. But when control is used to frighten, isolate or trap you, it is abuse.

What coercive control looks like

Coercive control is a pattern over time, not a single argument. Signs include your partner:

  • checking your phone, messages or location, or demanding your passwords;
  • cutting you off from friends and family, or making scenes so you stop going out;
  • making rules about what you wear, where you go and how long you take;
  • accusing you of cheating, again and again, without reason;
  • threatening to leave with the children, to hurt themselves, or to tell lies about you to the police, your employer or your family;
  • putting you down until you doubt yourself;
  • punishing you with anger, silence or the withdrawal of affection when you break their "rules".

What financial abuse looks like

Financial abuse is about using money to control you. It can include your partner:

  • taking your salary, or controlling every bank account;
  • giving you a small "allowance" and demanding receipts for everything;
  • spending your money while refusing to contribute their share;
  • running up debt in your name, or pressuring you to sign loans and contracts;
  • stopping you from working, or causing trouble at your work until you lose your job;
  • selling, hiding or giving away property that belongs to both of you;
  • using money to punish you or to stop you from leaving.

What the law says

The Domestic Violence Act 116 of 1998 covers far more than physical violence. It includes economic abuse, such as unreasonably keeping you from money or resources you are entitled to or need, or getting rid of property you have an interest in. It also covers emotional, verbal and psychological abuse, intimidation, harassment, and controlling or coercive behaviour.

This means you can apply for a protection order even if your partner has never hit you. A protection order can stop your partner from abusing, threatening or contacting you, and in some cases it can also deal with money matters. See applying for a protection order.

If someone has taken out loans or accounts in your name without your consent, that may be fraud, which you can report to the police.

How property and debts are shared between partners depends partly on whether you are married, and how. If you are married, or thinking about divorce, get legal advice before making big financial decisions.

Steps to take back control

Only take these steps when it is safe to do so. If your partner may react violently, read making a safety plan first.

  1. Open your own bank account. If you can, use a different bank, and have statements sent to an email address your partner can't access.
  2. Change your PINs and passwords. Do this for your banking apps, email and phone.
  3. Check your credit record. You can ask a credit bureau for your credit report, to see whether any accounts or loans have been opened in your name.
  4. Keep copies of important papers. Keep payslips, bank statements, loan agreements, title deeds and any messages about money in a safe place.
  5. Build a small emergency fund. Even a small amount, kept somewhere safe, can make leaving easier if you need to.
  6. Get advice. Legal Aid South Africa and university law clinics can help if you can't afford a private lawyer. See finding legal help you can afford.

If you are threatened with false accusations

Some controlling partners threaten to report the person they are abusing for things that person did not do. The aim is to keep you quiet and obedient.

  • Keep a record of the threats, with dates, and save any messages.
  • Do not retaliate or make threats of your own.
  • Get legal advice early, so you know where you stand.
  • Remember that you are allowed to ask for help and protection. A threat should not stop you from reporting real abuse against you.

If an accusation is actually made, read if you are falsely accused.

Myths and facts

Myth: If my partner never hits me, it isn't really abuse.

Fact: The Domestic Violence Act recognises economic, emotional and psychological abuse and controlling behaviour, not only physical violence.

Myth: A man who lets his partner control the money is weak.

Fact: Control usually builds slowly, often through guilt, fear or threats. Anyone can be caught in it.

Getting support

  • In an emergency, call 10111, or 112 from a cell phone.
  • The GBV Command Centre on 0800 428 428 helps people of all genders, 24 hours a day.
  • For legal advice, call the Legal Aid South Africa Advice Line on 0800 110 110.
  • If you are struggling to cope, call Lifeline South Africa on 0861 322 322.
  • You can report what is happening anonymously at /report, and tick the support box if you would like someone to contact you.
  • To reach the Men for Change support team, go to /contact?topic=support.
  • More helplines are listed at /resources.

This guide is general information, not legal or medical advice. Laws and procedures change and every situation is different, so speak to a qualified professional, such as Legal Aid South Africa, about yours.

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