Finding a counsellor

Talking to a trained counsellor can help you make sense of what happened to you, deal with anger, grief, fear or shame, and find a way forward. You don't have to be in crisis to see someone, and you don't need the right words. Wanting things to feel better is reason enough.

Many men put off getting help because they think it will cost too much, take too long or mean admitting weakness. This guide sets out the options, including free and low-cost ones, so you can take the first step.

What counselling can help with

Counselling is a private conversation with someone trained to listen and help you work through problems. It can help with:

• the effects of violence, abuse or sexual assault
• stress from a court case, a protection order or an accusation
• depression, anxiety, panic or trouble sleeping
• anger that feels out of control
• a relationship ending, separation or problems seeing your children
• grief and loss
• using alcohol or drugs to cope

What you say in counselling is kept confidential, with a few exceptions, for example if someone's life is in danger or a child is at risk. A counsellor should explain these limits at the start.

Who can help

Different people offer different kinds of support. You may see more than one over time.

• Psychologists are trained to assess and treat mental health problems through talking therapy.
• Registered counsellors and lay counsellors offer support and short-term counselling, often through clinics and community organisations.
• Social workers offer counselling and can also help with practical problems, such as family issues and getting access to services.
• Psychiatrists are medical doctors who specialise in mental health. They can diagnose conditions and prescribe medication when it is needed.
• A clinic nurse or doctor is often the first step. They can check your health and refer you on.

Whoever you see, it is fair to ask about their training and whether they are registered with a professional body.

Free and low-cost options

You don't need money or medical aid to get help, although you may need some patience. Try these routes:

1. Go to your local public clinic. Tell the nurse you are struggling emotionally and would like to speak to someone. Clinics can refer you to a social worker, psychologist or mental health nurse in the public health system.
2. Ask at a public hospital. Many public hospitals have psychology, psychiatry or social work services. You will usually need a referral from a clinic, but in an emergency you can go straight to the emergency unit.
3. Contact a university psychology clinic. Some universities run training clinics where student psychologists see clients under the supervision of qualified staff. These are often free or low cost. Phone or visit your nearest university to ask.
4. Look for an NGO or community organisation. Some non-profit and faith-based organisations offer free counselling or support groups. Lifeline South Africa (0861 322 322) offers telephone counselling at any hour and may be able to point you to services near you.
5. Use your employee wellness programme. If you have a job, ask HR whether your workplace has an employee wellness or assistance programme. These often include free counselling sessions and are usually confidential.
6. Check your medical aid. If you have medical aid, your plan may cover some sessions with a psychologist or counsellor. Ask your scheme what is included.

If you were sexually assaulted, a Thuthuzela Care Centre can give you medical care and link you to counselling.

Waiting lists in the public system can be long. While you wait, a helpline can give you someone to talk to.

Questions to ask before you start

It is normal to ask questions before you commit to a counsellor. You could ask:

• Are you registered, and what is your training?
• Have you worked with men, or with people who have been through something like this?
• How much do sessions cost, and is there a reduced rate?
• How long is each session, and how many might I need?
• What will you keep confidential, and when would you have to share information?

If you would feel more comfortable with a man, or with someone who speaks your home language, it is fine to ask. It won't always be possible, but it is worth asking.

What to expect in your first session

The first session is mostly about getting to know each other. The counsellor will usually ask what brought you there, how you have been sleeping, eating and coping, and what you hope to get out of counselling. You can share as much or as little as you are ready to.

You don't have to tell your whole story at once. You stay in control of the pace. Some men find it helps to write down a few points beforehand, in case their mind goes blank.

It is normal to feel worse for a short while after a session, especially when you talk about painful things. Over time, this usually eases.

If it doesn't feel right

Not every counsellor will be the right fit, and that is not your fault. Give it a few sessions. If you still feel judged, unheard or uncomfortable, you can stop and look for someone else. You can also tell the counsellor what is not working. A good counsellor will welcome that.

A counsellor should never pressure you, shame you or cross personal boundaries. If that happens, you can stop seeing them and raise your concern with the clinic or organisation they work for.

Getting support

• SADAG Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0800 567 567 (free, 24/7)
• Lifeline South Africa: 0861 322 322 (24/7)
• GBV Command Centre: 0800 428 428 (all genders, 24/7), if you have experienced abuse or violence
• Emergency: 10111, or 112 from a cell phone

Men for Change does not offer counselling itself, but our support team can help you think through your options. Contact the support team, or find more helplines on our resources page. If you want to record what happened to you, you can make an anonymous report and tick that you would like support.