If you are thinking about suicide

If you are reading this because you are thinking about suicide, thank you for staying long enough to read it. You may feel exhausted, ashamed, trapped or numb. You may feel that nobody would understand, or that you would be a burden if you spoke up. Those feelings are real, but they are not the whole truth about you or your future.

Thoughts of suicide often come when pain feels bigger than what you have to cope with it. Pain can ease, and support can be added. This guide is about getting through the next few hours and days, and finding people who can help you carry this.

You are not weak for feeling this way

Many men are taught to keep problems to themselves, to stay strong and to fix things alone. When life falls apart, through a job loss, a breakup, debt, abuse, a court case or trauma, that lesson can leave a man alone with his thoughts.

Thinking about suicide does not make you weak, broken or selfish. It is a sign that you are carrying too much on your own. Reaching out is not giving up control. It is taking it back.

Talk to someone today

The most important step is to let one other person know how you are feeling. You do not have to explain everything or find the right words.

1. Call a helpline. The SADAG Suicide Crisis Helpline (0800 567 567) and Lifeline South Africa (0861 322 322) are open day and night. The person who answers is there to listen, not to judge you.
2. Tell one person you trust. This could be a friend, brother, father, partner, colleague, coach or religious leader. You can say, "I am not okay and I have been thinking about suicide. I need you to stay with me."
3. See a health worker. A clinic nurse, doctor or hospital emergency unit can assess you and help you get further care. You can tell them exactly what you have been thinking.
4. Don't stay alone. If you can, be with someone or go somewhere with other people around until the worst of the feeling passes.

If talking feels impossible, send a message to someone you trust and simply say that you need help.

Make your surroundings safer

When thoughts of suicide are strong, putting distance between you and anything you could use to hurt yourself can save your life. Strong urges often rise and then pass, and distance buys you that time.

• If there is anything you have thought about using to harm yourself, ask someone you trust to remove it or keep it for now.
• If you can't ask anyone, put it somewhere hard to reach, or leave the place where it is.
• Stay away from alcohol and drugs while you feel this way. They can make painful thoughts louder and make it harder to stop yourself acting on them.

This is not about whether you can be trusted. It is a sensible way to protect yourself while you are in pain.

Make a short safety plan

A safety plan is a short list you make while you feel a bit calmer, so you know what to do if things get bad again. Write it on paper or in your phone where you can find it quickly.

1. Know your warning signs. Write down the thoughts, feelings or situations that tell you that you are starting to struggle, such as not sleeping, drinking more or pulling away from people.
2. List things you can do on your own. Small things that help you through a hard moment, such as going for a walk, taking a shower, praying, listening to music or breathing slowly.
3. Name people and places that help. A friend you can visit, a family member's house, a place of worship or a sports field.
4. Write down who you can call. Names and numbers of two or three people you trust.
5. Add helplines and professionals. The SADAG Suicide Crisis Helpline on 0800 567 567, Lifeline South Africa on 0861 322 322, your clinic or doctor, and 10111 or 112 in an emergency.
6. Decide how you will keep yourself safe. Note what you will do to stay away from anything you could use to harm yourself.
7. Remind yourself why to keep going. People, plans, beliefs or hopes that matter to you, even a little.

Share your plan with someone you trust so they know how to help.

Hope and recovery

When you are in deep pain, it can feel as if life will always feel this way. That feeling is part of the pain, not a prediction. Many people who have felt suicidal go on to feel better and live lives they value.

Recovery is rarely quick or in a straight line. It often comes through a mix of things: talking to a counsellor, treatment for depression or trauma, support from people around you, rest, and dealing step by step with the problems that brought you here. Some days will still be hard. That does not mean you have failed.

If something that happened to you, such as violence, abuse or a false accusation, is part of what you are carrying, our guides on coping after trauma and finding a counsellor may help.

If you are worried about someone else

If a man you know might be thinking about suicide, ask him directly. Asking does not put the idea in his head, and being asked can be a relief. Listen, stay with him, and help him contact a helpline or health worker. If he is in immediate danger, call 10111 or 112. Our guide on signs a man is struggling explains more.

Getting support

• SADAG Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0800 567 567 (free, 24/7)
• Lifeline South Africa: 0861 322 322 (24/7)
• SAPS emergency: 10111, or 112 from a cell phone
• Ambulance: 10177

Men for Change does not provide counselling or a phone line, but our support team can help you find services. Contact the support team, or see more helplines on our resources page.