Signs a man is struggling

Men often keep their problems to themselves. A man may be dealing with abuse, a violent crime, a false accusation, money worries, or losing a job or time with his children, and still tell everyone he is "fine". By the time others notice, he may have been struggling alone for a long time.

You don't need special training to help. Noticing, asking and staying close can make a real difference. This guide explains what to look for and what to do.

Why men's struggles are often missed

Many men grow up learning to hide pain, deal with things alone and avoid looking weak. Instead of saying "I'm not coping", a man may show it through his behaviour. He may also feel ashamed of what happened to him, especially if it involved abuse by a partner, sexual violence or an accusation he finds hard to talk about.

Because of this, the signs can look like something else: a bad temper, laziness, drinking too much or simply "being in a mood".

Signs to look out for

No single sign proves that something is wrong. Look for changes from what is normal for him, especially if they last more than a couple of weeks.

Changes in mood and behaviour

• more irritable, angry or short-tempered than usual
• pulling away from friends, family or things he used to enjoy
• drinking, using drugs or gambling more
• sleeping much more or much less
• losing interest in work, or missing work
• taking risks, such as dangerous driving or picking fights
• seeming flat, tired or hopeless
• headaches, stomach problems or pain with no clear cause

Warning signs that need action now

• talking about wanting to die, or about suicide
• saying he is a burden, feels trapped or sees no point
• saying goodbye, or giving away things that matter to him
• suddenly putting his affairs in order
• seeming suddenly calm after a time of deep distress
• looking for ways to harm himself

If you notice any of these, don't wait. Talk to him today and get help.

How to start the conversation

1. Pick a good moment. Choose a private, relaxed time. Many men find it easier to talk side by side, while driving, walking or doing something together.
2. Say what you have noticed. "You've seemed really down lately and you're not yourself. I'm worried about you."
3. Ask, then listen. "How are you really doing?" Give him time. Don't rush to fix things or give advice.
4. Take him seriously. Don't tell him to cheer up or that others have it worse.
5. Don't give up after one try. If he brushes you off, let him know the door is open, and check in again later.

Asking about suicide

If you are worried, ask him directly: "Are you thinking about suicide?" or "Are you thinking about ending your life?"

Asking does not put the idea in his head. Many people feel relief when someone finally asks. If he says yes:

• stay calm and keep listening
• don't leave him alone if you think he is in immediate danger
• help him keep away from anything he could use to harm himself
• help him call the SADAG Suicide Crisis Helpline on 0800 567 567, or go with him to a clinic, doctor or hospital emergency unit
• if his life is in immediate danger, call 10111 or 112

Don't promise to keep it a secret. You can say, "I care about you too much to keep this to myself. Let's get help together." Our guide if you are thinking about suicide has a simple safety plan you can go through with him.

Helping him take the next step

Once he has opened up, help him find support that fits his situation:

• for counselling, see finding a counsellor
• if he has been abused, see when a man tells you he was abused
• if drinking or drugs are part of the picture, see alcohol, drugs and coping
• if he is facing a court case, see supporting someone through a court case

Offer practical help too: making a call together, a lift to an appointment, or simply spending regular time together. Keep checking in, even when he seems better.

Looking after yourself

Supporting someone who is struggling can be draining. You can't carry it all on your own, and you are not responsible for his choices. Share the load with other people you trust, and get support for yourself if you need it. Lifeline South Africa (0861 322 322) is there for anyone who needs to talk.

Getting support

• SADAG Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0800 567 567 (free, 24/7)
• Lifeline South Africa: 0861 322 322 (24/7)
• Emergency: 10111, or 112 from a cell phone
• Ambulance: 10177

Men for Change does not provide counselling, but our support team can help you find services for him or for yourself: contact the support team. More helplines are on our resources page.