Coping after trauma

Trauma is what can happen in your mind and body after something frightening, violent or overwhelming. It might follow a robbery, a hijacking, an assault, sexual abuse, abuse by a partner, a serious accident, an arrest or a false accusation. It can also build up slowly from harm that went on for a long time.

There is no right way to react. Some men feel shaken straight away. Others feel fine for weeks and then start to struggle. Whatever you are feeling, it does not mean you are weak or losing your mind. It means you have been through something hard.

Common reactions

After trauma, your body and brain can stay on high alert, as if the danger has not passed. You might notice some of these:

• replaying what happened, flashbacks or nightmares
• feeling jumpy, on edge or easily startled
• trouble sleeping or concentrating
• avoiding places, people or things that remind you of what happened
• feeling numb, cut off or far away from others
• anger, irritability or sudden outbursts
• guilt or shame, or blaming yourself for what happened
• headaches, a tight chest, stomach problems or feeling tired all the time
• drinking, using drugs, gambling or working far more than before

For many people, these reactions ease over the following weeks as the mind processes what happened. For others, they stay or get worse. Both are common, and help is available either way.

Why men often struggle in silence

Men are often expected to shrug off a bad experience, protect others and get back to work. Some men worry that if they show fear or sadness, people will see them as weak. Men who have been abused, especially by a partner or sexually, may also fear they won't be believed.

So men often show trauma in ways that are easy to miss: anger, drinking, taking risks, pulling away from family or keeping busy all the time. If you recognise yourself in this, it may be a sign that something needs attention, not that something is wrong with you.

Men can be victims of every kind of violence and abuse, and the law protects them equally. What happened to you matters.

Things that can help day to day

Small, steady habits can help your body and mind settle. Choose one or two to start with.

1. Keep a simple routine. Get up, eat and go to bed at roughly the same times. Routine tells your body that life is becoming predictable again.
2. Move your body. Walking, running, gym, football or physical work can burn off some of the stress your body is holding.
3. Look after your sleep. Cut down on caffeine later in the day and keep your phone away at night. If you can't sleep, get up for a while rather than lying there frustrated.
4. Go easy on alcohol and drugs. They can bring short relief, but they usually make sleep, mood and anger worse.
5. Stay connected. Spend time with people you trust, even if you don't talk about what happened. Being around others helps.
6. Talk about it when you are ready. You don't have to share every detail. Telling someone you trust, or a counsellor, can lighten the load.
7. Take a break from reminders. It can help to step back from news, social media or conversations that keep pulling you back to the event.

A quick way to ground yourself

When a memory or panic hits, try bringing yourself back to the present. Plant your feet on the floor. Breathe in slowly through your nose and out through your mouth. Then name five things you can see, four you can hear, three you can touch, two you can smell and one you can taste. This won't erase the feeling, but it can stop it taking over.

Myths and facts

When to get more help

Speak to a health worker or counsellor if:

• your reactions are not easing after several weeks, or are getting worse
• you can't work, sleep or look after yourself or your family
• you are drinking or using drugs to get through the day
• you feel angry in ways that frighten you or the people around you
• you feel hopeless, or have thoughts of harming yourself

Trauma can be treated. Counsellors and psychologists use approaches designed to help with trauma, and a doctor can help with sleep and mood. Our guide to finding a counsellor explains free and low-cost options.

Getting support

• Lifeline South Africa: 0861 322 322 (24/7)
• SADAG Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0800 567 567 (free, 24/7)
• GBV Command Centre: 0800 428 428 (all genders, 24/7)
• Emergency: 10111, or 112 from a cell phone

If what happened to you was a crime, you can still report it, even some time later. See what to do after a violent attack, or make an anonymous report to Men for Change. Our support team can help you find services near you: contact the support team. More helplines are on our resources page.