Living with childhood sexual abuse as an adult

If you were sexually abused as a boy, you may have carried it alone for years. Many men don't speak about it until much later in life. Some only start to call it abuse when something brings the memories back. However long it has been, it is not too late to get support.

What happened was not your fault. A child is never responsible for sexual abuse by an adult or an older person. The responsibility belongs completely to the person who abused you.

It was not your fault

People who abuse children often work hard to gain their trust first. They may give attention, gifts or special treatment, or make a child feel grown-up. They often use secrets, threats or guilt to keep the child quiet. This is called grooming, and it is designed to make a child feel that he went along with it.

The person may have been a family member, a family friend, a teacher, a coach, a religious leader, a neighbour or an older child. They may have been a man or a woman. If it was a woman, you may have been told you were "lucky". That is not true. It was abuse.

You may still blame yourself because:

• you didn't tell anyone at the time;
• you went back, or the abuse went on for a long time;
• your body responded, or parts of it felt good;
• you didn't fight back.

None of these mean you agreed or that you were to blame. Children cannot be expected to stop abuse. Physical arousal is a reflex, not consent.

How it can affect you now

Abuse in childhood can show up in adult life in many ways. You may notice:

• shame, or a feeling that you are damaged or different;
• anger that seems to come from nowhere;
• trouble trusting people or letting them get close;
• confusion or worry about your sexuality;
• difficulty with sex or intimacy;
• using alcohol, drugs, work or risk-taking to block things out;
• flashbacks, bad dreams or feeling numb;
• low mood, or thoughts of ending your life.

Not every man has all of these, and some have none. Some men cope for years and then struggle after a trigger, such as becoming a father, seeing a news story, or meeting the abuser again. That doesn't mean you are going backwards. It often means part of you is ready to deal with it.

Myths and facts

Telling someone

Many men find that telling someone, even one person, is a turning point.

1. Choose someone safe. This could be a partner, a close friend, a family member, a counsellor or a helpline. Pick someone who has shown they can be trusted with private things.
2. Go at your own pace. You don't have to share every detail. You can start with "Something happened to me when I was young."
3. Expect mixed reactions. Some people react with shock, anger or disbelief at first. Their reaction is about them, not about your worth.
4. Plan for afterwards. Talking can stir things up. Plan something calming for later, and don't be surprised if you feel tired or low for a day or two.

You could share our guide on when a man tells you he was abused with the person you tell, so they know how to support you.

Getting help to heal

Healing doesn't mean forgetting. It means the past has less power over how you live now. Talking to a counsellor trained in trauma can help you make sense of what happened, deal with shame and anger, and build better ways of coping. Our guide on finding a counsellor explains how to find one, including low-cost options.

Our guides on coping after trauma and alcohol, drugs and coping may also help.

Reporting, if you choose to

Reporting is your decision. Some men want to report; others don't. Both choices are valid.

In South Africa, there is no time limit for reporting rape, and other sexual offences can also be reported and prosecuted many years later. You can open a case at a police station even if the abuse happened decades ago. Evidence may be harder to find after a long time, but your statement is evidence. A lawyer or the investigating officer can explain what to expect. Our guide on opening a case explains the process.

If you think the person who abused you may still be harming children, you can tell the police. If a child is at risk right now, Childline South Africa on 116 can advise.

Getting support

• Lifeline South Africa is open 24 hours a day on 0861 322 322.
• If you are thinking about ending your life, call the SADAG Suicide Crisis Helpline on 0800 567 567, any time.
• The GBV Command Centre on 0800 428 428 supports people of all genders, 24 hours a day.
• If you are under 18, or worried about a child now, call Childline South Africa on 116.
• In an emergency, call 10111, or 112 from a cell phone.
• You can share your experience anonymously at /report. It needs no name or account, and you can tick a box to ask for support.
• To reach the Men for Change support team, go to /contact?topic=support.
• More helplines are listed at /resources.