Co-parenting after separation

Your relationship with your children's other parent may have ended, but your relationship as parents has not. For years to come, you will share birthdays, school events, illnesses and decisions. How the two of you handle that will shape how your children grow up.

Co-parenting doesn't mean you have to be friends. It means treating your shared parenting like a working relationship, with the children's wellbeing as the goal. This guide offers practical ways to make it work, and what to do when it doesn't.

Put the children first

Children usually cope with separation better when they are kept out of the conflict between their parents. They need to know they are allowed to love both of you.

• Tell them, in words that suit their age, that the separation is not their fault.
• Don't criticise their other parent in front of them, even when you are hurt or angry.
• Don't use them to carry messages, or ask them to report on what happens at the other home.
• Never ask them to choose between you.
• Keep your promises. If you say you will be there, be there.

Communicating with your ex

Good communication protects your children and protects you. Over time, it can also lower the temperature between you.

1. Keep it about the children. Leave old arguments about the relationship out of your messages.
2. Put important things in writing. Messages or emails create a clear record of what was agreed and stop misunderstandings.
3. Wait before you reply. If a message makes you angry, give yourself time before answering. You can't take back a message once it is sent.
4. Be brief and specific. "Can I collect them at 5pm on Friday instead of 6pm?" is better than a long explanation.
5. Stay polite, even if they don't. Your messages may one day be read by the Family Advocate or a court. Make sure they show you at your best.

Handovers and routines

Handovers are often where tension shows. A few habits can help them go smoothly.

• Be on time, and let the other parent know early if you are going to be late.
• Keep handovers short and friendly. Save any discussion for later, away from the children.
• If handovers often lead to arguments, use a neutral place, such as outside a school, or ask a trusted relative to help.
• Try to agree on similar routines in both homes for things like bedtimes, homework and screen time. Accept that the two homes won't be exactly the same.
• Let the children take a favourite toy or item between homes, and make sure they can call the other parent.

A written parenting plan makes these arrangements clear. Read Parenting plans and the Family Advocate.

When the other parent doesn't keep to the arrangement

It is hard when arrangements keep changing, when contact is cancelled or when decisions are made without you. How you respond matters.

• Don't retaliate. Don't keep the children longer than agreed, and don't stop paying maintenance. Contact and maintenance are separate, and stopping payment can land you in trouble. Read Maintenance: what you need to know.
• Keep a record. Write down dates, times and what happened, and save messages.
• Raise it calmly in writing. Say what happened and suggest a solution.
• Get help. If the problem continues, the Office of the Family Advocate or a mediator can help. If there is a court order, you can go back to court.

Read Fathers' rights and responsibilities to understand where you stand legally.

If there is abuse or danger

Co-parenting advice assumes both parents are safe with each other. That is not always the case, and men can be abused by a partner or ex-partner too.

• If your ex threatens or hurts you, keep handovers in public places or ask a trusted person to do them. You can apply for a protection order. Read Applying for a protection order and Making a safety plan.
• If you believe your children are being harmed, put their safety first. Call SAPS on 10111, or 112 from a cell phone, if they are in immediate danger. Children and teens can call Childline South Africa on 116.
• If you are accused of something you did not do, stay calm, don't confront anyone and get legal advice. Read If you are falsely accused.

Looking after yourself

Separation can bring grief, anger, loneliness and worry about money, often all at once. Many men keep these feelings to themselves until they spill over. You will be a better parent if you look after yourself too.

• Talk to someone you trust about how you are really feeling.
• Keep up your health, sleep and routine, especially on the days without your children.
• Watch your drinking. If alcohol or drugs have become a way to cope, read Alcohol, drugs and coping.
• Consider speaking to a professional. Read Finding a counsellor.

Getting support

You don't have to work through this alone.

• Lifeline South Africa: 0861 322 322, 24 hours a day.
• SADAG Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0800 567 567, 24 hours a day.
• GBV Command Centre: 0800 428 428, for all genders, 24 hours a day.
• Legal Aid South Africa Advice Line: 0800 110 110.
• Childline South Africa: 116, for children and teens.

If you have experienced abuse from a partner or ex-partner, you can report it anonymously at /report. You can contact our support team at /contact?topic=support, and find more helplines at /resources.