When a boy tells you he is being abused

If a boy has told you that someone is hurting him, he has taken a brave and difficult step. He may have chosen you because he trusts you. What you do next can help protect him and shape how he copes for years to come.

You might feel shocked, angry or unsure what to do. That is normal. This guide explains how to respond, how to keep him safe and how to report the abuse.

Why boys find it hard to tell

Boys often keep abuse secret for a long time. He may:

• feel ashamed, or think it was his fault
• fear he won't be believed, especially if the abuser is a respected adult, a woman, or someone the family loves
• worry that he will be seen as weak, or that people will question his sexuality
• have been threatened, bribed or told it is "our secret"
• be afraid of getting the abuser, or himself, into trouble
• not have the words to describe what happened

Abuse can be physical, sexual or emotional, and it includes neglect. It can happen at home, at school, in sport, at a place of worship, online or anywhere else. The abuser may be an adult or an older child, a man or a woman.

Boys sometimes tell a small part first to see how you react. Your response can decide whether he tells you more.

What to do when he tells you

1. Stay calm. Keep your voice and face steady. If you look shocked or angry, he may think he has done something wrong, or stop talking.
2. Believe him. Tell him, "I believe you."
3. Listen, don't question him closely. Let him say what he wants to say. Don't push for details or ask leading questions. Detailed questioning is a job for trained police officers and social workers, so that his account is not affected.
4. Tell him it is not his fault. Say clearly that the person who hurt him is responsible, and that he did the right thing by telling.
5. Don't promise to keep it secret. You may have to tell others to keep him safe. You could say, "I can't keep this a secret, because I need to make sure you are safe. I will only tell people who can help."
6. Explain what happens next. Tell him, in words he understands, who you will speak to and why.
7. Write it down. As soon as you can, write down what he said in his own words, the date and time, and anything you noticed. Don't add your own interpretation.

Don't confront the person he named. It could put him at greater risk and may harm an investigation.

Reporting the abuse

You don't need proof to report. A reasonable concern is enough. It is up to the authorities to investigate.

Under the Children's Act 38 of 2005, certain people who work with children, such as teachers, doctors, nurses, social workers, psychologists and religious leaders, must report suspected abuse. The Sexual Offences Act also places a duty on any person who knows that a sexual offence has been committed against a child to report it to the police. Anyone at all may report suspected abuse.

You can report to:

• the police, at any police station or by calling 10111. For sexual abuse, ask whether a SAPS Victim-Friendly Room is available
• a social worker, through a child protection organisation or a government social development office
• Childline South Africa on 116, which can give advice and help you decide what to do next

If the abuse is happening at school, in a club or at a place of worship, report it to the police or a social worker as well as to the people in charge there. Don't rely on an internal process alone. Our guide on opening a case at a police station explains what to expect.

Keeping him safe and getting medical care

If the abuser lives with him or can easily reach him, his safety comes first. Talk to the police or a social worker about how to protect him straight away. Don't send him back to a place where he is at risk.

If he has been sexually abused recently, get him medical care as soon as possible. Some treatments, including medicine to prevent HIV and other infections, work best when started quickly. A Thuthuzela Care Centre, hospital or clinic can help, and can also collect evidence. If he is willing, keep the clothes he was wearing and try not to let him wash before he is examined, but his comfort and dignity come first.

Supporting him afterwards

• Keep reminding him that he did the right thing and that it was not his fault.
• Keep routines as normal as possible: school, sport, meals and bedtimes.
• Don't make him repeat his story to family members.
• Expect changes in behaviour, such as anger, nightmares, clinginess or withdrawal. Be patient.
• Get him counselling with someone who works with children. A clinic or social worker can refer you. See finding a counsellor.
• If there is a court case, he will need extra support. See supporting someone through a court case.

Look after yourself too. Learning that a child you love was abused is painful, and you may need support of your own.

Getting support

• Childline South Africa: 116
• SAPS emergency: 10111, or 112 from a cell phone
• GBV Command Centre: 0800 428 428 (all genders, 24/7)
• Lifeline South Africa: 0861 322 322 (24/7), for your own support

Men for Change's support team can help you find services: contact the support team. More helplines are on our resources page. If you were abused as a boy yourself, see living with childhood sexual abuse as an adult.